I cried almost every day of kindergarten. I hid that fact from my family until one of my mom’s friends dropped by the class and overheard my teacher praising me for not crying on that particular day. Needless to say, my secret was out. 

At 5 years old, I cried almost everyday because I believed I wasn’t good enough. My most vivid memory from that year was when my teacher held up a cat made out of construction paper and told us that we were all going to make one. I cried. I cried because I knew I would never be able to make a cat like that. It was perfect. The shapes were cleanly cut and glued together and the eyes and whiskers were so beautifully drawn. Don’t get me started on the expertly crafted curly tail. 

Where did this perfectionism come from at such a young age? There’s no doubt there was a program running in my subconscious mind that was not serving me well. But, of course, I didn’t know that then. Instead, this perfectionism and the anxiety that resulted from it continued to direct my life. 

All through school, I was a straight A student because nothing less was acceptable to me. Looking back now, perhaps it was my way to overcompensate for that belief that I was not “good enough”.  Although I received straight As in every subject, my best subject was math and therefore it was my favorite. It came easy to me and I loved the black and white nature of it. 

So, of course, when it came time to choose a major in college and pick a career, I wanted them to require good math skills. It didn’t matter that those jobs didn’t interest me much. I thought that for me to be successful, I had to follow that path. And so I did. In college, I majored in Economics and when offered the opportunity to leave with not only a Bachelor’s degree in Economics but also a Master’s degree, I accepted it. I didn’t consider the fact that I didn’t want a career that required a Master’s degree in Economics or the fact that by doing the program I would miss out on all kinds of interesting classes that weren’t part of it. I thought this was a no brainer. I was getting two degrees for the price of one. 

Looking back now at those decisions, I realize I made them almost on autopilot. There was not much real thinking going on. Instead, during my childhood and adolescence, I seemed to have picked up a very rigid set of rules that I would follow and that would lead me on a less than fulfilling path. In the years to come, the search for satisfaction and fulfillment became a constant source of struggle and pain which I would eventually learn to overcome and heal.

But not yet. After college, I attended  graduate school where I earned my third degree, a Master’s in Business Administration. It goes without saying that nothing but a top tier business school would do. And so directly out of college, with no work experience, I entered the University of Chicago Booth School of Business. 

…But, I had no idea what I wanted to do once I graduated. And to make matters worse, I was competing for jobs against people who had years of investment banking and management consulting experience. This was because it was a rare thing for someone to go directly from college to a full time MBA program. So, there I was passionless and without experience — not a great combination for finding a fulfilling job. 

I did end up finding a job though, but not one I was excited about. I worked for many years. There were some positions I liked better than others but I never felt passionate about any of them. And I certainly never felt like I found my life’s purpose.